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Saturday, February 17, 2007

Fight back with praise

This morning I have a newborn shoot for some friends of ours. They had an adorable little boy 2 weeks ago. I can't wait to take some pictures of him, esp. since I just got my new camera! It's snowing again here and the roads are getting kind of bad, so hopefully we are able to get there in one piece.
I have found myself bombarded a lot lately w. sad thoughts. Almost every night as I nurse Charlotte before bed in her room, I find my thoughts drifting to Henry. It has been this way ever since he died. Before Charlotte was born, I used to sit in his room at night and write letters to him. Now, I sit in his/her room and as I nurse her to sleep, I "think" my thoughts to him. It's usually a very healing time for me, but the last week I have been battling overwhelming sadness at times. I think it has to do w. this time of year and all the memories that keep come flooding back. I can't even put into words how much I miss him. I know that Satan is constantly trying to "get in my head" and turn those sweet memories into something horrific and bitter. It is a constant battle to not let him have control in that area of my life. I have found that the more I give thanks to God and praise Him for what He has done, the less effect Satan has on me. It's impossibe to be angry at God when you're praising Him! So when I feel that I'm being attacked, I start thanking God for all of the wonderful memories I have of Henry, for the way He's molded and refined me over the last 3 years, and for the amazing blessing of Charlotte. She can never fill the void that Henry left in my heart...but she has filled my arms and life and has shown me that I am capable of loving a child again...fully and completely. Oh God, You are so good to me!


girlie girl said...

In a much smaller way, I also struggle with this time of year. I recently have been feeding Owey in the nursery, and am flooded with memories of Heidi. I think because I would nurse Izzy in the same room, when that wound was so fresh. I'd cry all over him.

I'm praying for you! Your attitude amazes me! I'll listen anytime!

girlie girl said...

Me again. Just wondering how you change the font color each time you post? When I change the color, it changes all the previous posts as well. Tips?